Plate & Vine News - Belly Up: Star-Spangled Batter Edition

This week is all about national pride, and what better way to show your patriotism than by becoming the big, fat Americans the founding fathers dreamed of becoming when they first declared war on those big, fat British? Austin has several opportunities for you to show your love for the barbecued, beer-battered, and deep-fried U.S.A. for Independence Day '09, so eat up and remember: These colors don't run, and neither should you. After all, George Washington didn’t slog his way through Valley Forge so you could drink a smoothie and go for a jog.

On Tuesday, forget the red and blue and celebrate the white—as in the tighty whities—at Charlie’s with the "Steaks, Chocolates, and Take It All Off!" The Capitol’s favorite secret gay rendezvous (what could be more American?) promises filet mignon, enchiladas, and all the beefcake you can handle in an amateur strip-off. The Fourth Of July is obviously known for its abundance of backyard barbecues, but that doesn’t mean everything has to be a total sausage fest. BoConcept hosts Foodies, a supergroup of women who love women who love food, on Wednesday at 6 p.m. Bring business cards, because this one is for networking lesbians with a real woman's appetite—like, the kind of brassy broads who would also turn up at The Cockpit later that night for some $1 drafts and burgers (which it’s serving all-night long).

If you prefer classier cocktails, visit FinoPlate & Vine Interactive Cookbook. Of course, there’s something about fancy cocktails that’s so… European. Club DeVille keeps it all West Side Hemisphere up in here with Wednesday’s Gears For Beers, which promises $3 drafts and wells for any Amurrican who puts his fat ass on a bicycle to get there. If that sounds like too much work, fancy-schmancy clothing store Estilo offers complimentary champagne and appetizers on Thursday night, and Zax Pints And Plates celebrates six years of serving, well, pints and plates with discounts on both. ’s master bartender Bill Norris on Wednesday, when he'll pair top-shelf drinks with  recipes from the Wine & Food Foundation Of Texas'

 

Who are we kidding? We're not Americans. We're Texans, motherfucker! Pledge allegiance to your real country by being one of the first 50 customers into Bird's Barbershop on Friday and snag a free six-pack of Lone Star to fill your cooler for the next day’s barbecue. If you’ve outgrown tallboys in the backyard, celebrate Independence Day in style at Paggi House, where $75 nets you a buffet, wine, beer, cocktails, and an all-out patio party until 11 p.m. Or, if what you really want is a bigger backyard to get red, white, and blotto in, head into the wilderness for the Fall Creek Vineyards Burgers And Blues Independence Day Celebration. The folks at Grapevine Trail are also offering tours of Texas wineries that include tasting passes, complimentary bottles, and food samples at each vineyard. Once you've used up all of your drink cards, sneak into Becker Vineyards to maintain both your buzz and bulge with a chili cook-off from noon til 2 p.m. Want to show love for the red (wine, anyway) but you’d rather stick closer to downtown? Roll over to House Wine, where you can catch a view of the fireworks over Lady Bird Lake while enjoying wine paired with snow cones, hot dogs, and the most American thing containing lard (apart from your ass of course): apple pie. 

Oh yeah: All you freedom haters can join those vegan, liberal pansies at Tiniest Bar In Texas for the Third Annual Veggie Hot Dog Eating Contest. Enjoy the taste of terrorism, traitors!

 

Fatsometer: 9. All this eating like a real American should have you looking like a true patriot—specifically, Benjamin Franklin.